they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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