There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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