I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize