I just saw a hot homeless man
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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