Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize