Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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