pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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