Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
