I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
