His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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