I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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