All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
