Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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