Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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