sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
