as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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