just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
