the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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