if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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