chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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