Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
