OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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