my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize