am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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