just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
