I didn't shave. On purpose
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
