I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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