You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
