I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
