I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Small penises have feelings too.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
