i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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