I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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