you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
