i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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