I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
