recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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