I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
