i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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