There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
