nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize