I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
