I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
