pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
not ubering you a puppy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
