I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
