The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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