those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
