You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
