apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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