He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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