Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
