she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
