My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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