He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
