Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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