She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
