this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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