Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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