Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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